How many words can you think of that are considered gender-neutral today that have historically been used to refer to women? If you think of one, please get in touch as we’re not aware of any. If we go the other direction, though, we don’t have to think for long:
- guys – As in, “Hey, what are you guys doing later?”
- dude – As in, “Are you kidding me, dude?”
- man – As in, “Oh man, that’s wild!”
- brother – As in, “Oh brother. Seriously?”
I come across things every once in a while, especially things written in the 80’s and before, where all pronouns in the book are the “neutral” he/him/his, along with things like mankind, mailmen, man-made, firemen, etc. I’m glad we’re in a time now where it is actually jarringly odd to see something like this:
“The average transplant to Portland, Oregon, unless he has done his research, might be here for years without knowing the especially racist history of this area—because that’s how white supremacy works.”
The fact is, nearly everyone reading this lives in a patriarchal culture. What does that mean exactly? According to the modern oracle that is Wikipedia:
Patriarchy is a social system in which men hold primary power and predominate in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege and control of property.
Patriarchy, Wikipedia
If we look at just the United States for ease of reference, take a look at the national government in total or any part of it. Take a look at any state government in total or any part of it. Take a look at the largest companies. Take a look at any swath of small and medium companies. Take a look at all large religions—or even smaller religions and churches. Take a look at… the music industry, for example—on stage or behind the scenes. As the New York Times put it, “The Numbers Are Grim.” Oh, and if you’re part of the surprisingly large percentage of people who think the Equal Rights Amendment ever actually passed, I have some bummer news for you.
Is it any wonder that we think the above words are “gender neutral”? They’re not. We’re just steeped in the femmephobic world of patriarchy. If you want to test this, try rolling out the following next time you’re talking one on one with a straight, cisgender (“cis”) man or to a group that is all or majority straight, cis men.
- gals/girls – As in, “Hey, what are you gals doing later?”
- dudette – As in, “Are you kidding me, dudette?”
- woman – As in, “Oh woman, that’s wild!”
- sister – As in, “Oh sister. Seriously?”
My guess is that for you, as it was for me, just reading through that list made you realize how that would go over in all but a very few cases. But just to play it out, here’s what would happen. The cis man or men would either 1) laugh — because you have to be joking or messing with them, or 2) they would give you a puzzled look like you just spoke to them in not just Klingon, but a newly-discovered, obscure dialect of Klingon that developed on an isolated outpost and has never been heard before.
That guy over there
One of the most effective ways I’ve found to quickly help folks understand that there is nothing ambiguous about this is to point to a group of people of various genders. Then I say, “Can you describe what that guy is wearing?” or “Can you tell me what the guys over there are doing?” They’re not going to ask for clarification to make sure you’re not talking about one of the women or non-men in the direction you’re pointing. They are going to talk about the men / transmasculine folks in the group every single time.
The bottom line is, using gendered language and calling it gender-neutral props up the patriarchy and is insulting to everyone other than those who identify with the gender(s) they represent.
Importantly, using faux-neutral terms is especially harmful for trans, genderqueer and other gender-expansive folks due to the way so many of us are misgendered with terms like these with things like “Hey guy, what can I do for you?” or “Hey, can you help that guy at the counter?” I can tell you that, as a transfeminine person, when I’m with a group of guys (as in, men and transmasculine folks who identify with that term), it doesn’t feel great to be referred to in the aggregate as guys.
Here are some things that might work well; please get in touch to share others!
- Instead of (you) guys, try you all, y’all, everyone, people, or everybody.
- Instead of dude, try… something not gendered.
- Instead of Oh man!, try Oh wow!—or just omitting it.
- Instead of brother, try friend, as in, “Oh, friend. Seriously?“
Odds are, it will take some conscious effort on an ongoing basis and feel awkward for a bit—but that’s how progress works.